Identity Crisis

i-den-ti-ty [ih-den-ti-tee]

noun, plural i-den-ti-ties.

1. the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, asunder varying aspects or conditions: The identity of thefingerprints on the gun with those on file provided evidence that he was the killer.
2. the condition of being oneself or itself, and not another. He doubted his own identity.
3. condition or character as to who a person or what a thing is: a case of mistaken identity.
4. the state or fact of being the same as described.

I've always struggled with my identity, especially as it pertains to my faith. If identity is what defines you and what people recognize you for, then I want that to be Jesus...right? Want?...YES! Is He actually my identity?...rarely.

Throughout my life and my walk with Christ, I think I've fallen into step with the definition #4 of the word "identity." I focus on how I am described by others. For many years, and even still, I have striven and desired to be remarkable, to be a head-turner, to be worth remembering. And wouldn't you know it - that fits right in with the "Big D" mentality that is my new home. I L-O-V-E Dallas, but I have been sucked into the rabbit hole of status and outward appearances. Truthfully, the only way out that I have found is Jesus. 

While trying to find my way out of that rabbit hole, I have sought other things for my identity. The most recent one is my job. This is my first "big girl" job and I didn't quite realize what came with that title - the woes of coworkers, the crushing weight of failure, and the constant need for approval from your boss. After a year of working, I feel like I'm pretty good at my job. Actually, if I'm brutally honest, I think I'm great at my job. Nobody's perfect, but I think I do a really good job - and therein lies the problem. I have become prideful in the work that I do. In my head, I lord all of the good things I do over my coworkers and my heart is mean and prideful and gross all of the time. I gossip like crazy because deep down, I am a mean girl and it makes me feel good that I am on top of things and can put others down. Pretty darn ugly and sad if you ask me.

Anyways, my identity has become so intertwined with my job that I expect other people to think it's really important too! I was talking to an acquaintance tonight who is in human medicine and I made a comparison between veterinary and human medicine. This person doesn't quite share my love of animals...which is completely fine! However, the look on her face and her apparent disgust toward my comparison made me really sad...like REALLY sad. I felt judged and hurt and misunderstood. My heart was really hurt...

But Jesus is merciful and gracious and loving and compassionate and He met me where I was. As I was getting ready for bed, He entered in and showed me that I was putting my job in front of Him. I realized that work is all that I have talked about in home group. It is all I talk about when people ask how I'm doing. Yes, my job is a huge part of my life, but it isn't my identity. Jesus is. He chose me and called me to follow Him. His love is what defines everything about me because that love includes His death on the cross for my gross, idolatrous heart.

"Once you had no identity as a people; now you are God's people, Once you received no mercy; now you have received God's mercy." -1 Peter 2:10 NLT 

I am God's. I am loved by Him, and that is all that matters, and it is the only thing I need to identify myself.

My church posted this link on their Facebook page and it was the cherry on top of my identity crisis. It's a great read, so once you're done with this novel, check out this slightly shorter story. 

Advent

Can I just say how much I love my church? I've met some great people, participated in an intense theological class, gone through a women's Bible study of Genesis (amazing!) and I've found a home group. To top it all off, I'm taking the membership class in January and I'm so excited to find even more ways to connect in the church.

Right now, we're going through Advent. It's one of those words that you think you know the meaning of, then someone asks you what it means and you realize you have absolutely no idea. Growing up in the church, I've heard the word used over the years, but never actually understood what it meant. Here's the definition given by the Village Church in the Advent guide the church is doing as a whole: "Advent, formed from a Latin word meaning "coming" or "arrival," is about the coming of Christ. It's the celebration of the first advent of Jesus and the anxious awaiting of His second. The season is a time for remembering and rejoicing, watching and waiting, and a time to reflect upon the promises of God and to anticipate the fulfillment of those promises with patience, prayer, and preparedness." WOW. I never knew that!

One of the questions in the guide one week asked "How does anticipation increase joy?" Honestly, I never thought of anticipation bringing joy. I always placed anticipation in the same category as worry because as I wait and think about the promises to come, I worry that something will go wrong or that I didn't do something right or that the promise just won't be fulfilled. It's like being stood up for a date or not making the team. But then you dive deeper. Where was I placing my hope in these situations? What were the "promises" that I was waiting on? The "promise" of a great date and many future dates? The "promise" of the recognition of being on the team? In these cases, hope is placed into earthly things that will always fail...ALWAYS. In Advent, we can be confident and joyful in the anticipation of Jesus' second coming. Why? Because our hope is in the Eternal God. He has yet to fall through on a promise He made and the evidence is all over Scripture. We also know that "hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us" (Romans 5:5). In other words, the season of advent cannot end in disappointment or worry. We know that we get Jesus in the end; that He will return and that the promises He made will be fulfilled! Our anticipation in this regard can only bring joy at the thought of being with the One who knows us inside and out and is still willing to love us despite our wretchedness. The anticipation of being with Him is too great not to love.

Come, thou long expected Jesus,

born to set thy people free;

from our fears and sins release us,

let us find our rest in thee.

Israel's strength and consolation,

hope of all the earth thou art;

dear desire of every nation,

joy to every longing heart.

Born thy people to deliver,

born a child and yet a King,

born to reign in us forever,

now thy gracious Kingdom bring.

By thine own eternal spirit

rule in all our hearts alone;

by thine all-sufficient merit,

raise us to thy glorious throne.

-Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

New City. New Blog. Still Loving Jesus.

Today is officially my second day in the beautiful city of Dallas, Texas and my first day of work at Vickery Place Animal Hospital. It's hard to believe that I'm actually here. I've been looking forward to moving here for so long and it's so weird to actually be here to stay. Since I moved away from the desert, I thought I would change my blog up a little bit. It's a new phase in my life and I wanted my blog to represent that.

For those of you who don't know, "Pressing On" is a song by Relient K and it's one that I've always loved. It's based on Philippians 3:12-14 and talks about not looking back, moving around adversity, and finding joy in Jesus. It's about keeping your head on straight so you can press on towards the beautiful goal that is Jesus Christ. Now, I don't think that the past can be severed from the present or the future. I believe in learning from your mistakes because they glorify God, and being confident in the knowledge that God takes you through the tough - and stupid - times in life to draw you back to Himself. However, I want to leave sin in my past and look to Jesus in everything I do. That is why I am pressing on. I'm also pressing on through the pain of leaving my family and many of my friends in New Mexico. I want to be here, but I'm having a hard time reconciling that with the fact that I don't get to go home at the end of the day and pick up my wonderfully crazy mom from her daily 10-mile run. I don't get to come home and have my dog Fudge wag his little nub of a tail with excitement. I don't get to see my beautiful sister and be super weird with her everyday. I don't get to play tennis with my dad or go visit him at Noodles. I don't get to see my brothers kick a** at their concerts. It's so hard to sit here and think about all of these things I left behind, knowing that I have a life here now and I have to press on through the tears and the pain of my own decision. Ok, so I know that is super depressing, but God is making me stronger through this. He is drawing me back to Him and I am relishing in the glory of that fact alone. I love that I want to get up in the morning and spend time in the Word! I love that I'm praying more and worrying less! I'm loving that I am stepping into a whole new phase of my relationship with Christ! I will miss every single person and thing that I left behind in NM every single day, but if this is what I need to be closer to Jesus, then I say bring it on! The goal is to keep my head on straight through this transition and in clinging to Jesus, I am doing just that.

In addition to Philippians 3:12-14, I am loving another verse in chapter 4. It says:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." -Philippians 4:6

I love this verse because right now, there is a lot for me to be anxious about. I'm trying to budget my money so I can figure out what I can afford, looking for an apartment, getting ready to go to a new church, trying to make new friends, and on top of all of that - thanks to many of my Zeta sisters and some family members - I am now anxious about meeting a guy. Yup. This verse is so helpful when I get overwhelmed by all of these things. I am turning my anxious feelings into prayer for the first time in my life and I must say...it's pretty stinking awesome!

Oh and I'm going to do my best to finish the Greyhound stories after this post since it has been 6 months since the last story. It's crazy how time flies, but the stories are too funny not to tell!

Until next time...Go Mavs! :)