Humility

Humbling. That is the word that sums up the first few days out here on project. I drove with my friends Rachel, Brittney, and Cody out to San Diego at midnight on Wednesday the 19th. We got into town around 1pm Pacific time and had the rest of the day to get settled. The next day was soul-to-souls and I thought I was ready, but God knows me better than I know myself and completely brought me to my knees in humility. I came out to San Diego thinking I was in this awesome spiritual state. However, as I began to do my soul-to-soul, I started to realize that I was the exact opposite! I'm not in a good state at all! I am not consistent with my quiet times and now, I have to lead girls who will look up to me spiritually this summer. How can I lead them if I'm not in the Word daily? Not good. God has shown me that I need to completely let everything go and give it all to Him, but also that His opinion of me is the only one that matters. My identity should be completely and solely in Him.
This weekend, I had to go to a wedding in Albuquerque and God showed me another area where I'm lacking. My sister called the house to tell me that there were some Mormons walking around the neighborhood. Like the callous, shallow person I am, I decided that I wouldn't answer the door when they came. However, my brother answered the door and I started to feel a know form in my stomach. You see, on Friday, the project went to UCSD to go out and share their faith. I was sad I was missing it, but was excited to go home for the wedding. So when these guys left, I realized what an idiot I had been! God gave me an opportunity on my doorstep to share my faith and I was a coward. I felt so horrible once my brother closed the door and the guys were gone and my heart aches with embarrassment when I think about it. Then, I went to the wedding yesterday and was completely moved by my friends. My roommate and I always talk about how much we love our friends and it was so much fun to celebrate this amazing event with all of them. The ceremony was beautiful and it made me so excited for the day when I, God-willing, will get to experience that. The toasts at the reception were fantastic, but one thing was said that I knew, but never really took to heart. The matron of honor ended her toast by reminding the couple that their marriage was to glorify God in every aspect. She reminded them that they needed to love God first, and through that, they would grow closer every day. It was such a great reminder and it was so encouraging for me. I know that I need to love God first and then everything else will happen according to His plan.
Today, I got back to San Diego around 10:15am and got back to the project a little later. My day started with a Bible study that was amazing, but made me realize that a lot of times, I view salvation as a secondary need when it is really the primary need. We were in Luke 5:17-26 when Jesus heals the paralytic. Jesus forgives the man of his sins first and then heals him. By doing this, Jesus meets the man's primary need before his physical, secondary need. So often, I witness healing and prosperity and I am reminded that God is there. However, this results in the fact that I am so focused on the secondary needs that they become a primary need to me. This is so sad and I am fervently praying that God will turn this around for me.
Lastly, I also got the applications of my growth group girls today and I have never felt more insecure. One girl in my group is way more spiritually mature than me and I am so nervous about having her in my group. How can I lead a girl spiritually when she is more spiritually mature than me?! Then, a few minutes ago when I started writing this post, I realized that I have to give it over to God. I believe that He can enable me to lead these girls and meet their needs that He wants me to. I believe that God can use me in their lives no matter the level of spiritual maturity. I believe that He will give me the confidence and the words that I need to disciple these girls well this summer.

God has used so many events in the past few days to show me so much and to truly humble me. I know that I need to fully rely on Him. Without Him, nothing is possible.

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"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
-John 15:4-5
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Needless to say, San Diego Summer Project 2010 is off to a fantastic start. It is not at all the start I expected, but it is amazing! My condo is great, my training group is great, and my ministry team is great! I cannot wait to see what else God has for me this summer!

John 9

The sermon in church today was on John 9, which is the story of the blind man who Jesus heals. What I usually take from this story is that Jesus has compassion for everyone. I received so much more than that today and I am just so thankful that God is continually molding me and shaping me to be a better witness for Him. Here are some things I took from today:

• Jesus always sees something in others that no one else sees.
  
• No matter what happens in life, good or bad, it is all meant to glorify God.
  
• Life is always better when we place everything we have in the hands of Jesus.
• Also, when you have Jesus, you have EVERYTHING.

During the sermon, the pastor said something that really hit home. He talked about how the blind man had no idea who this guy talking to him was, and all of a sudden, he hears spitting and the rubbing together of mud and saliva. Then he feels something cool on his eyes. Yet, after all he has heard and felt, he does not pull away. He says "yes" to Jesus. Then I thought, do I say yes to Jesus? When I sat and really thought about the answer, a knot formed in my stomach. I know exactly who Jesus is and I love Him, but I don't always say yes to Him. I don't give Him everything I have. My biggest problem is that I don't give Him my time. I would rather sleep or sew or be on facebook than spend time with my Savior. How sad is that?

So it is 2 days before I leave for San Diego and I don't want this to be the case anymore. I want to be a good steward of my time and devote it all to the Lord. I want everything I say and do to glorify God. I want my actions to be a witness for Jesus. He deserves my everything and I want to give it to Him, just like the blind man in John 9.

Splenda

No, this post is not about my love for artificial sweetener...I just didn't feel like titling it "Sweet." Anyways, I'm just loving life right now. God is doing some pretty sweet things and I enjoy soaking them up day after day. The first thing that comes to mind is my relationship with Jadee (the Chi Omega in the picture). She is awesome. God has orchestrated both our lives so that we could find each other in college and learn and grow from one another. The whole thing just blows my mind! I met her at church through a friend and then she was in my recruitment group and then we just started meeting and before we knew it, I was discipling her! The semester has been so cool and we'll both be in San Diego this summer so I'm super pumped for that. I know that I'm supposed to be mentoring her, but God has used her to show me so many things as well. I've learned to be fearless because I know who I am in God and I am confident in Him. I've learned to listen to others more and ask questions instead of selfishly talking about myself. I've learned to laugh at myself...even more than I already do. Last, but not least, I've learned to care about others and to be compassionate. Jadee cares so deeply for others and it blows my mind! Seeing how much she cares for others caused me to examine my own thoughts and my heart, and I realized that sometimes, I don't show compassion and I don't care about others. I may act like I care or put on a smile, but my heart will be ugly. Not cool. Jadee emulates God's love and compassion for others. That is where I want to be and I am so thankful that God has shown me this. He is constantly preparing me for this summer and it makes me so happy. I made her a vision plan for the summer and if I may say so myself, it's pretty cool. I used a pink journal and used some stickers to put her name on the front, then I went crazy on the inside with stickers, pictures, and colored pens. It was fantastic. We went to breakfast this morning and I gave it to her and it was so much fun! We talked for hours about this and that and I loved every minute of it. I am so thankful and blessed that God has placed her in my life! I know that there is still so much to come for the both of us.

On Friday night, we had Crown Ball. It was my first date party since fall 2008! The theme was prom so I got all dressed up and I did my makeup all pretty and stuff. The truth is I hate wearing that much makeup. It was fun for the night, but I was so glad to take it off. I just feel gross when I know there's a ton of makeup on my face. My idea of enough makeup is bronzer and a little blush. My crazy days are when I actually put on mascara! Anyways, my dress was short, strapless, and red with flower/ruffle things at the bottom. It was so cute and I borrowed it from one of the other Zetas. I guess expanded closets are a perk of being in a sorority. I also got to wear my black and silver glitter heels which I never get to wear! I think that was the most exciting part for me. Oh, and my date actually matched me! I didn't tell him what I was wearing because I didn't think it was a big deal, but some of our friends intervened and found him a nice red tie to wear with a black shirt. The night was pretty interesting, but a lot of fun. There was even a chocolate fountain!!! You can never go wrong with a chocolate fountain in my book.

And now, it's finals week. Time to spend every waking hour of the next 4 days studying. Oh, and on top of that, I have to pack for the summer. Craziness. But, it will all be worth it when I go home to see my family and then go out to San Diego. I just want to be done with school...right now. I will end by saying that if you don't hear from me in the next week, it is because I am buried in my notes, so don't worry. See you in a week...or whenever.