Humility

Humbling. That is the word that sums up the first few days out here on project. I drove with my friends Rachel, Brittney, and Cody out to San Diego at midnight on Wednesday the 19th. We got into town around 1pm Pacific time and had the rest of the day to get settled. The next day was soul-to-souls and I thought I was ready, but God knows me better than I know myself and completely brought me to my knees in humility. I came out to San Diego thinking I was in this awesome spiritual state. However, as I began to do my soul-to-soul, I started to realize that I was the exact opposite! I'm not in a good state at all! I am not consistent with my quiet times and now, I have to lead girls who will look up to me spiritually this summer. How can I lead them if I'm not in the Word daily? Not good. God has shown me that I need to completely let everything go and give it all to Him, but also that His opinion of me is the only one that matters. My identity should be completely and solely in Him.
This weekend, I had to go to a wedding in Albuquerque and God showed me another area where I'm lacking. My sister called the house to tell me that there were some Mormons walking around the neighborhood. Like the callous, shallow person I am, I decided that I wouldn't answer the door when they came. However, my brother answered the door and I started to feel a know form in my stomach. You see, on Friday, the project went to UCSD to go out and share their faith. I was sad I was missing it, but was excited to go home for the wedding. So when these guys left, I realized what an idiot I had been! God gave me an opportunity on my doorstep to share my faith and I was a coward. I felt so horrible once my brother closed the door and the guys were gone and my heart aches with embarrassment when I think about it. Then, I went to the wedding yesterday and was completely moved by my friends. My roommate and I always talk about how much we love our friends and it was so much fun to celebrate this amazing event with all of them. The ceremony was beautiful and it made me so excited for the day when I, God-willing, will get to experience that. The toasts at the reception were fantastic, but one thing was said that I knew, but never really took to heart. The matron of honor ended her toast by reminding the couple that their marriage was to glorify God in every aspect. She reminded them that they needed to love God first, and through that, they would grow closer every day. It was such a great reminder and it was so encouraging for me. I know that I need to love God first and then everything else will happen according to His plan.
Today, I got back to San Diego around 10:15am and got back to the project a little later. My day started with a Bible study that was amazing, but made me realize that a lot of times, I view salvation as a secondary need when it is really the primary need. We were in Luke 5:17-26 when Jesus heals the paralytic. Jesus forgives the man of his sins first and then heals him. By doing this, Jesus meets the man's primary need before his physical, secondary need. So often, I witness healing and prosperity and I am reminded that God is there. However, this results in the fact that I am so focused on the secondary needs that they become a primary need to me. This is so sad and I am fervently praying that God will turn this around for me.
Lastly, I also got the applications of my growth group girls today and I have never felt more insecure. One girl in my group is way more spiritually mature than me and I am so nervous about having her in my group. How can I lead a girl spiritually when she is more spiritually mature than me?! Then, a few minutes ago when I started writing this post, I realized that I have to give it over to God. I believe that He can enable me to lead these girls and meet their needs that He wants me to. I believe that God can use me in their lives no matter the level of spiritual maturity. I believe that He will give me the confidence and the words that I need to disciple these girls well this summer.

God has used so many events in the past few days to show me so much and to truly humble me. I know that I need to fully rely on Him. Without Him, nothing is possible.

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"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."
-John 15:4-5
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Needless to say, San Diego Summer Project 2010 is off to a fantastic start. It is not at all the start I expected, but it is amazing! My condo is great, my training group is great, and my ministry team is great! I cannot wait to see what else God has for me this summer!